Dwelling..

About us: We were together for only 2 years, I don't consider that a very long relationship. There was nothing wrong with our relationship. We were best friends which made everything so comfortable, fun, and exciting. Felt like the world was just the two of us. We never argued, how can it go wrong?

And then one day, boom, it all fell apart. He did not want to be with me anymore and till this day, more than a year later, I am still wondering what went wrong. It was just too good to be true. Ever since we broke up, it was just chaos. I tried to move on with my life, I stayed strong and told myself if it was meant to be, it will be. I did something and then he did something. We both talked but kept things from each other. We did things we didn't want the other to know which made us jealous, bitter and hate each other. We cried, we cursed and we yelled but we still kept in touch. After more than a year, I cannot deal with it anymore. I had my fair share of partying till 6am every weekend with random guys, getting numbers and the whole bullshit game. I did it to get away from him, to try to forget him. But I'm done with that. I like solidarity, I like normality and consistency. I keep holding onto to the little string that maybe one day we can be together again, starting anew. But we're quickly losing it because our year of falling apart. I can never explain to myself what happened to our so-call perfect relationship that we had for 2 years.

If there is a chance that we'll ever be together again, I'm not sure it'll ever be the same. How can I ever trust him again? How can he trust me again? Trying to forget something that was so good is the hardest thing in the world. Despite what he did and what I did, I still love him to death. I still think about him day and night. I want him to call in the middle of the night missing me and wanting to see me. I still want to think and hope that he loves me too.

But if thats not possible, why am I subjecting myself to rejection and a broken heart?